Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

By AG Editorial Staff (Re-Edited Version of November 2008 Article; November 3, 2009)

Raised in a culture that views sex as a topic not open for public discussion, it is no wonder that lots of African women find it difficult to express their sexual frustrations in words. The few who are confident enough to delve into the subject are viewed with suspicion and mistrust, and are very likely to be labeled with derogatory terms. African women are commonly taught that the sexual act is one to be enjoyed by men; and a necessary tool for reproductive purposes.

Biologically, women are far less inclined to have sex on their minds 24 hours of every day, but when social and/or cultural influences are factored in, it takes “gone off sex” to a whole new level. Most African women AG talked to, who expressed a lack of interest in sexual activity cited their inability to experience an orgasm or lack of pleasure as the main reason why they prefer not to have sex. Other top reasons were past experiences, exhaustion, low self-esteem, and what they termed “uncaring partners.” AG notes that the sexual trials of African women are common to those experienced by women the world over. The only difference is that African women have a cultural stranglehold on the way they are perceived by their communities to such an extent that it is taking them a little longer to break free.

Unfortunately, African men have not made things any easier by being unsupportive and turning to finger-pointing. Many have formulated stereotypes about African women and used that as justification to view them as frigid and unadventurous. Disinterest in sex as a fun and pleasurable experience is not uniquely African. A query across cultural lines would probably yield similar results of disinterest.

Difficulty Reaching Orgasm

Research studies estimate that 12 percent of women never reach an orgasm and on the whole, 75 percent of women don’t climax during sexual intercourse. However, simply climaxing during intercourse is not the ultimate sexual gratification most women seek. It is the satisfaction derived from the process of intimacy with their partners, and the attentiveness and care received during the act of sex that makes a woman feel gratified. For a man to fully satisfy a woman in the bedroom, he must first of all know her body and then know what he’s doing. Sexual satisfaction for women is not just the simple in and out stroking, but a lot more than that.

Most of the women interviewed cited that the main reason they can’t seem to enjoy sexual relations, or reach an orgasm, is mostly attributed to one or more of three factors: psychological, socioeconomic or relationship-related factors with relationship barriers being the most noted.

Relationship Issues

Women are a lot more emotionally connected to relationships and the act of sex than their male counterparts. A man can just get up and be ready. Or he might see something that stimulates his sexual desires, and he’s ready. The same concept cannot be applied to women. It takes a lot more to stimulate a woman’s sexual senses, and that’s something that, if men understand, and apply, could lead to better sexual relationships between them and their partners. Women tend to be put off by a partner who does not turn them on. This can be caused by several factors such as poor hygiene, poor sexual skills and bad habits. African women are intrigued by simple acts of kindness and gentleness. Buying flowers, of course, isn’t the way to go if you want to please an African woman: helping her with household chores; being kind and attentive to her needs; an out-of-the-way gesture such as tuning up her car or washing it. Complimenting her cooking, appearance, intelligence and overall efforts can also score you points in the bedroom.

Psychological Issues

While all these sound like simple solutions for men to start getting their African women excited about sex, it’s not as simple as that. Most of the African women AG interviewed were initially reluctant to commit to talking about sex. For some, sex is a private matter to be discussed with their partners (and most are not even doing that for fear of being labeled). For others, sexuality has just never been their thing because they were taught at a very early age to be ashamed of their bodies/body parts and sexuality. It is generally considered ‘dirty,’ for a woman to actually enjoy the act of sex or to even think of herself in a sexual way. It is for this reason that Mary from Uganda says she was circumcised at the age of 12. For some others sex is seen as sacred and only to be shared between a man and wife for the sake of procreation and not for pleasure. One other woman AG interviewed stated past sexual experiences as reason why she “can’t stand a man having sex with her.”

The perceptions one gains about sex at a very young age are very vital because they shape the sexual opinions carried into womanhood and future relationships. Unfortunately, most African women who are shunning sex due to psychological reasons are not seeking outside help because it’s not the “African” thing to do. Instead they choose to suffer in silence.

Amaka is a married woman from Nigeria. To her, having sex with her husband of six years always feels like she’s being raped all over again. She was sexually molested by an uncle when she was only 14 years-old. Amaka admits that she has gotten to a point where her system has grown immune to lovemaking and she only has sex out of a sense of duty to her husband. “Afterwards, I just lock myself in the bathroom and cry,” she says. Surprisingly, Amaka’s case is not an isolated one. There are hundreds of African women (and women the world over) suffering in silence. They are either afraid to talk to their husbands about it or are scared of being labeled if they seek outside or professional help. When asked whether she had ever hinted her displeasure to her husband, Amaka responded in the negative. She says she just can’t bring herself to tell him because “he will think it’s something he’s doing wrong and that will hurt his ego and our relationship.” Amaka has never told her husband about her past experience because she says she is terrified of what his reaction will be.

Socioeconomic Issues

It is estimated that 100% of African women are in the workforce. AG makes this assessment based on the fact that there are career African women, those raising children at home, traders who sell their goods at the open markets, and those who work on farms. It is difficult to come to the conclusion that there is a single African woman out there not doing some kind of work in or outside the home. That stated, it can also be noted that African women make up a vast majority of the labor force both at home and abroad and receive very little appreciation in return. A woman who has the welfare of her family on her mind is less likely to whole-heartedly lie down with her husband and be more concerned about her sexual satisfaction.

Cultural influences play a major role in the concept of a woman’s role in traditional African homes. It is the woman’s responsibility to keep the home, take care of the children and cook for her family. At the same time, it is seen as her support duty to bring in revenue to help support her husband and family. This applies especially to African women living abroad. After working eight hour days (maybe more if you’re in the medical field), an African woman living in America or Canada or the United Kingdom is also expected to have dinner ready, clear up after dinner, cater to the kids, and then have enough energy and enthusiasm left over to have mind-blowing sex with her husband. Traditional African men are of the view that no matter how many hours a woman works outside the home, it is still her duty to see to it that the home is run effectively: cooking, laundry, dishes, bathing and taking care of the children. It is no wonder then that sexual gratification isn’t on the top list of priorities for many African women.

What Couples Can Do

Men: need to be more understanding and supportive of their women. AG urges men to help their women get over their reluctant response to sexual advances by working with them to get over their fears, concerns and exhaustions.  In addition, men need to pay more attention to the needs of women, be attentive to their desires and fears and encourage them to openly discuss their sexual needs and/or displeasures. Be her sounding board, or attend therapy sessions with her if she wants you to be involved in the process. It shows you care and that her problems are your problems too.

Men need to get over the view that a woman’s body was created solely for the sexual pleasure of men. “A happy woman is one who is loved both between and outside the sheets.” Help out around the house and help unload some of her burdens. A happy and sexually fulfilled woman reciprocates by paying attention to the needs of her husband. This makes for a very happy union. Once African men understand this, they will be more open to ensuring that their women are active participants enjoying the act of love, intimacy and bonding.

Women: need to seek professional help if they believe their displeasure with sex is psychological. If possible, go with your man and get him involved in the process of finding your sexual voice. AG also encourages women to talk to their men more openly and in a calm, natural setting. Let them know you need help enjoying the closeness and intimacy that sex provides. When you express your desires in a loving and thoughtful way, no right-thinking man who claims to love and support you will turn a deaf ear to your concerns.

Finally, African women need to clear their conscious of the notion that sex with their husbands is just another chore on their long list of to-dos. Once they understand that the act of lovemaking is just that – the act of loving in a way that bonds both physically and emotionally - they will be one step closer to enjoying a fulfilling sex life with their partners.