Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

Where do you Fall as a Career Woman?

By AG Editorial Staff (July 1, 2010)

This is an unusual two in one article outlining the gray areas that exist between the attributes assertive and passive behavior, and aggressive and assertive behavior. This is an attempt to examine these three character traits, and how each one reflects on your workplace personality and in relationships in general.

The Thin Line between Assertive and Passive Behavior

Have you ever had someone say something to you that didn’t sit too well? You wanted to say something to indicate your displeasure or disagreement but for fear of confrontation, you kept quiet and decided to “just let it slide.” How did you feel inside afterwards?

Now, imagine this scenario happens to you on a rather regular basis and each time your reaction is the same - to keep quiet and take it. How do you increasingly feel towards the person, and most importantly, towards yourself? You may probably be experiencing any one of these symptoms: a strong dislike for that person, resentment, self-hate, vengeful, stressed, victimized and angry. These are emotions experienced by women with passive personalities. They tell themselves they want to keep the peace but internally, they are anything but at peace.

The Akans of Ghana have a common saying that rings true in any culture or situation: “Ka na wu is better than fa hy3 wo mu” This is literally how we say it. Loosely translated, it means “say it and die is better than keeping it inside you.” A co-worker recently put it brilliantly when she said being passive “is like dying a thousand deaths” because what you do when you bottle up your expressions is, long after the incident has happened, and died down, you sit and play the event over and over in your head thinking of all the things you could have said, but didn’t say. And then you beat yourself up for being so weak. The thought visits you, more often than you would like, anytime you see the person who caused you to judge yourself. If you are anything like many women with passive attitudes, sometimes you try to justify such occurrences with internalized statements such as: “I’m being diplomatic,” “I’m non-confrontational,” “I’m going to be the bigger person and let this go,” and “I just want peace.”   

"But, the truth is that being diplomatic, non-confrontational, the bigger person, and peaceful should not leave you feeling angry at yourself and the world you call work."

Responding to your offenders can still be done in a subtle way that harms neither you nor the person who has offended you. It is called being assertive. This is where lots of women fall short because we cross the line from being passive and go straight to the other extreme – being aggressive. Now let’s face it, nobody likes a loud, obnoxious, abrasive, confrontational, rude person. These are traits many prefer not to have in the people that surround them.

Being assertive is ideally the desirable trait between aggressive and passive behavior and has many benefits if put to good use. Being assertive simply means that you stand up for yourself and for what you believe in. This is an admirable and respectable trait that many of us have not yet cultivated, but which can be cultivated when practiced in the right amount of doses. Before long, you will learn to respect yourself and exude a level of self-confidence that will shine through in the way you interact with others. It will earn you the respect and recognition you so deserve.

That Thin Line between Aggression and Assertion

In order to draw the line between these two traits, it is necessary to define what they each mean. To be assertive means to show bold confidence in the expression of an opinion. To be aggressive means to show hostile attitude or behavior that is usually threatening. There is a huge difference between these two, and yet, somehow, many women in the workplace have a hard time distinguishing between these character traits and end up confusing the two.

Both aggression and assertion require a show of boldness and confidence, but that’s where the commonality ends. One shows boldness and confidence in an intelligent manner which reaps the reward of respect and admiration, the other shows boldness and confidence in an unintelligent manner that gets you fear and dislike from others. Aggressive people are usually viewed as bullies who cover up their own insecurities with the mask of toughness and a constant need to belittle others so they can feel good about themselves. In doing so, they succeed in alienating themselves with unlikeable terms that some women wear as a badge of honor to their own ridicule. Such women tend to have a warped view of what real leadership and professionalism are all about. Assertive women on the other hand come across as confident and secure in their abilities to an extent that there is no need to question any underlying character flaws.  

Why Assertion Wins the Day

As stated earlier, being assertive is all about standing up for what you believe in and doing so in confidence and respect for the feelings and opinions of others. Aggression is the complete opposite. In communicating assertively, you gain self-esteem and self-confidence, and you earn the respect of others because you are engaged in a relationship based on mutual respect and honesty – not brutal honesty, but an honesty that considers the feelings of others. Being assertive also helps to improve your communication skills as well as your decision-making skills. In communicating honestly and respectfully with others, you also gain their trust and in so doing create honest relationships with your co-workers, employers or employees. In a work environment where mutual respect, honesty, good-will and peace reign, the job satisfaction level is at its highest!

Being assertive, however, is an art that is learned with continuous, conscious practice. A few ways to get there are as follows:

Know yourself and your attitude. Do you shut down others when they try to voice an opinion or do you listen attentively but offer no opinions and remain silent? You are either aggressive or passive.

Change your outlook and physical appearance. Many women find that their confidence is boosted when they know their outward appearance reflects the good side of their persona.

Study your body language. Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them, or do you look at the floor and count your toes? One is assertive, the other is passive.

Learn to use “I” more often in your sentences. Express what “you” think and feel and not what others think you should feel and think.