Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

Written By: N. Amma Twum-Baah

Listening to a group of middle-aged women engaged in conversation at a gathering the other day enforced my fears that African women have a long way to go in terms of the way we think about domestic abuse. The well-dressed, well-mannered ladies were having a conversation about wife-beating and not a single one of them seemed to be angered by the notion that a woman was being abused by her husband. Sitting only a table away, it was hard not to listen intently and hear every word that was said. One of the ladies was undoubtedly agitated over the fact that her friend kept coming to her complaining about her abusive husband. “What does she want me to do? I keep telling her again and again to obey her husband. It’s because of that loud mouth that she keeps getting slapped around.” Another lady retorted, “My sister’s boyfriend started hitting her some time ago and I went there and gave him a mouthful. Who does he think he is?” Just when I gave a sigh of relief knowing that at least one of them gets it, she continued. “He hasn’t even married her and already he’s started hitting on her. She’s not his wife. When he brings the drinks and puts a ring on her finger, he can do whatever he wants, but right now I’m not having any of that.”

The Startling Facts

Not surprisingly, many African women still think this way – that a man has the right to hit or beat his wife (or girlfriend) if she refuses to “obey” him. According to a recent study conducted by the Ghana Multiple Cluster Survey (MICS), 47% of women between the ages of 15 and 49 believe a husband is justified in beating his wife, while only 36% of men say it is acceptable for a man to beat his wife. When Uganda's former Vice-President, Specioza Kazibwe, came out in 2002 with the news that her husband was physically abusive, there were mixed reactions from Ugandans most of whom disapproved of the way the then vice-president had “aired her dirty laundry” in public. In the opinion of most Ugandans, it was a family matter that should have been handled privately. According to a 2004 Zambian national demographic health survey, about 80% of Zambian wives find it acceptable to be beaten by their husbands "as a form of chastisement."  

Justifying the Silence

Often times when the issue of wife-beating is discussed among Africans, an attempt is made to generalize the quandary by stating wife-beating is not just an African problem, but a global male gender problem. While this may be true and duely noted, what makes the difference is the rate at which the abuse is accepted within society. Granted, there may be men who beat and trample their wives in America, and around the world, but very few cultures accept it as justifiable. Prove of this fact is with the law. While some societies have laws making it illegal for a man to physically abuse his wife, other societies engage in lengthy debates on how passing such laws against abuse (especially marital rape) is going to affect the family structure and the rights of men in the home. To date, only two African countries have passed domestic violence codes, namely South Africa and Mauritius. Ghana came close to passing legislation, but the bill fell through in parliament because the proposed legislation would make marital rape a crime. In one society, a woman can openly admit to domestic abuse without fear of reproach from her family and scorn from her community. It is not considered “airing dirty laundry in public” but a courageous woman bringing to light egregious violations of her human rights. In some societies, a woman who stands up in protest has not only the support of her family, but the support of her family as well. While in some societies, a woman who dares to even think about “airing her dirty laundry” brings shame on her family and is shunned by her community for taking a stance.

With this cultural perception hanging over the heads of African women, it is no wonder the dialogue between the four women was taking place in such a nonchalant manner.

Cultural Gender Roles and Perceptions

Many traditional African cultures place women in the same (or maybe just a step higher) category of that of a child. She is the weaker sex, and is to be obedient and do as she’s told, she is not expected to talk back and, she is to be “submissive” to her husband – which makes the case for marital rape another hidden justifiable crime against women by men, according to the traditional cultural structure. Men on the other hand are expected to be tough, mean, domineering and in charge. A man who takes on household - or what in most African traditions are termed “feminine”- chores is often seen as weak and soft. The true story is told of an African man in the UK who cooked, cleaned and catered to his wife until his male friends visited him at home one day and caught him with soap suds on his hands from doing the dishes. They teased the poor guy so badly, the whole community learned of it. The man yearning to gain back his man pride, stopped helping his wife, and started belittling her in front of his friends whenever they came around just to prove he was in control of his household. He would later apologize profusely to his wife after his friends had left saying he didn’t mean it, but it was too late. His lovely and faithful wife had had enough and proceeded to file for divorce. What was once a peaceful, understanding partnership had turned into a nightmare overnight because one man felt the need to prove his manhood to his friends.

With such engrained gender perceptions, it is understandable that men confuse their wives as children/subordinates and treat them as such.

Different Interpretations

In a culture that accepts wife-beating as acceptable, it is difficult to determine what is, and is not, abuse.  Female groups fighting to pass laws in African countries are often accused of trying to introduce western ideas into the African family system. Lawmakers (the majority of whom are men) are more concerned about the implications such laws will have on their rights in the home and the power men exert over women. Western culture views the following as red flags a woman is being abused:

·         A man who is domineering: He insists that you call or check in or ask permission to do anything. He tells you what to do and expects you to obey without question. He treats you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.

·         A man who is possessive: Treats you like a belonging and does not want you to share your time with other people. He makes all the decisions in the relationship and does not care about your thoughts or feelings.

·         A man who loses his temper: He yells at you and is constantly berating you for something you did or didn’t do. He makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do.

 

Ironically, these same red flags are green flags, according to some African customary cultures, that prove a man is in absolute control of his household and has his wife and children in check. While it is duly noted that not all traditional Africans indulge in such practices, it is noted that those who do are not seen as misfits in society either. And granting rights to women to pursue legal action outside the home is seen as the start of introduced disorder in the home. It will mean chipping away at the very fabric of the family structure, leaving men helpless to defend their manhood and women in charge, giving them lee-way to “disobey” their husbands. For what is a man to do when his wife says “no” to sex and he decides to take it through force; she turns around and has the law enter what is considered a private matter between a man and his wife?

 

The number of African countries with functioning domestic violence laws on their books, including marital rape, and physical abuse, is enough prove of the general perception Africans hold towards protecting their women and children from domestic abusers. Unless the laws are changed and/or put in place to protect women and children from abuse, it is fair to assume that these countries (that refuse to establish such laws) deem domestic violence an acceptable occurrence in society and hence the tendency to overlook it.

 

Gradually, things will change. But, it has to start with us – WOMEN – saying “no” to abuse. Keeping quiet about it, or shunning those with the courage to voice their opinions, does nothing to reflect on our perceptions of our self-worth and what we justly and rightfully deserve. The more we band together to talk for ourselves and for our children, the better things will be for all of us.

 

Remember, nothing you do or say warrants any man putting his hands on you. You are to be loved and protected and not abused and neglected.

 

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