Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

Co-Authored by N. Amma Twum-Baah and Nana Adwoa Banuaku

Remembering the times shared with dad, for many women, could either mean joy or pain. Watching the new president of the free world with his daughters leaves a warm and fuzzy feeling in the hearts of many. It’s the model of what the father-daughter relationship should be. The sad truth, however, is that for too many African women, that warm and fuzzy feeling with dad is not established until they’re out the house and far away from dad’s house. Then, and only then do they feel comfortable enough to venture those untouchable topics with dad.

Maybe it’s because of the way our culture – African culture – views women as the weak unintelligent sex incapable of making decisions that would benefit our lives. We are watched with eagle eyes and guarded like the precious jewels that we are. Our fathers are harder on us for what they deem just reasons. They are overly protective because, one unfortunate encounter with the tainted brush of “boy meets girl” could foil our chances of finding a husband, or living our dreams forever.

In honor of our fathers, who have been there, put us through school, provided our basic needs and loved us unconditionally, a few women agreed to share their experiences with dad in this special tribute to the father-daughter relationship.

Dad the Protector (Sometimes a little over-the-top)
Amma: “When I was leaving home for the very first time to live in the UK, my father was staunchly opposed to the idea. He was concerned that I was too young (at 20) and would be easily corrupted by bad influences (ouch!), and might end up pregnant (boy, daddy didn’t trust me!). Not that I was the promiscuous type. I stayed as far away from boys as I could because I didn’t want to end up like the other girls I had heard of who met boy, did things with boy, ended up pregnant by boy, boy went on to become a doctor, girl became a shamed single mother who had to drop out of school and sell groundnuts at the side of the busy highways! The fact that daddy even thought I was so gullible hurt my feelings, but I knew he was looking out for me, loves me, and had my best interest at heart.”

Many can’t remember their dads ever being around when they were younger and in desperate need of their first male love to tell them how beautiful they were, and to spend time with them. Maybe it’s because African men don’t get the whole concept that the relationship they have with their daughter when she is three or four, could affect the way she views her relationship with men when she’s twenty or thirty.

Amma: “Because I felt overprotected - based solely on my gender - starting at a very early age, I have had a wall up in my relationship that feels like a trap most times. Any little indication by a man to suggest with, even the slightest hint, that I can’t or shouldn’t do something because I’m a woman has me all up in arms.”

Margaret: “Every time I hear women describing their father-daughter moments, I feel a little pain in my heart because that’s exactly what was missing from my life the first 15 years of my life. It wasn’t until I was older and almost out of my father’s house that we started to forge a relationship that is now stronger and honest. But, though it took my father and me a while to get here, the bond between us is so strong it erases those miserable years my family lived through during the times he terrorized us. I love my father and I’m grateful he finally came around to support, love and provide for his family.”

Dad the Disciplinarian
Edwina: “As a young girl growing up, I remember times when my mum would repeatedly try to get my siblings and I to quiet down, or to obey her instructions and we would all pretend not to hear her. Then she would calmly say “wait till your father gets home,” and all activity would cease and our desperate young faces would quietly plead with her not to tell dad what we had been up to. She would smile a smile of victory and go about her business. Today I see the same pattern with my kids and their father. I still don’t know what that is. My mother is the one who beat us not my father, but we were not afraid of her!”

Isabella: “Growing up, all my dad had to do when I misbehaved was look at me. In shame and fear, I would stop what I was doing that he disapproved of immediately. Most times, it would be the very same thing my mother would have spent hours hollering about to no avail.

Dad the Provider
Nana Adwoa: “Every morning, when I was young, my dad would walk to the taxi station to catch a cab to work. On the days when he really felt like spending money he would send one of us out to get a taxi to come to the house. Then we would wave as paa (as we called him) set off to make an honest living. My mother was a house wife who traded in baked goods in front of our house. We the children would then later go off to school. We would get home long before paa came home and do our homework, watch a little TV and wait to see what paa would bring us home from work. It was his thing to bring us little treats back from the office. Sometimes it was toffee, other times it was kelewele (which was a very special treat!) I was in my first year in college when I got the devastating news that paa had been killed in a car accident. He was on his way home from work as usual, when he saw a bread seller across the street. Remembering that my mother had told him that morning, at breakfast, that he had just had the last slice of bread paa set off to cross the busy street to buy some. He was hit by a car that was overtaking the car that had stopped for him to cross. My mother (and neither have we) has never gotten over the fact that he died trying to provide bread for his family! I miss you Paa. Happy Father’s Day!”

Dad the First Male Love
In a worldly sense when we refer to male love, people get all sorts of crazy ideas. In all actuality, women do indeed learn all they need to know about the male-female love relationship by watching how their fathers treated their mothers and women in general. What dad says about women and their roles has a profound impact on the way a woman shapes her thinking about men. It is not unusual to look into the background of a woman who has no respect for herself and find that she was raised in a fatherless home, or to look into the background of a woman who is utterly confident in her abilities and find that she was raised by a father who told her she was worthy and could accomplish anything she sets her mind to. We call it the “because daddy said so” syndrome.

Elizabeth: “Growing up, I watched my father do simple things for my mum all the time. In those days these small things were a big deal because men did not step in the kitchen. My father would help my mother pound the fufu or bathe the baby. Sometimes he would sit with my mother on a stool and he would rinse the dishes as my mother soaped them. They would sit there and talk for hours, sometimes playfully hitting and teasing each other. This is when I first got a glimpse of love between a man and a woman. I began to want that in my future husband. I wanted a man who would sit and laugh with me and help me with house chores. When I met and married Kwaku he reminded me a lot of my father and I saw the potential of a fulfilling marriage. So, the first time I found myself at the kitchen sink after dinner, alone, doing the dishes, I got really upset. This is not the way a good husband who loves his wife is supposed to act. And I began to resent him because I felt my husband didn’t love me. I forgot that he had stood there with me chopping the onions while I cooked and engaged in conversation with me. I forgot that he had cleared the table after the meal before sitting in front of the TV. I finally learned that Kwaku is not dad and he shows his love in his own special ways.

Last month, we celebrated African mothers by pointing out their intuitive nurturing nature. This month, AG is celebrating African fathers, especially those who have stuck around in their children’s lives even when the going got so tough they considered leaving. A man who provides for his family and protects them, leads and admonishes, is worthy of the tribute above. Your daughters need you just as much as your sons do – maybe even more. So take the time to tell your daughter how beautiful she is, how intelligent and capable she is, and how much she is loved. And when she grows up, she will seek out a man worthy of her intelligence, grace, beauty and talent because you taught her better!