Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

By: Funmi A. Adeyele (Octover 1, 2009; One-Year Anniversary Reader's Choice)

Let’s face it; Africans today are getting divorced at an equally alarming rate as their western counterparts. Long gone are the days of arranged marriages and freedom of choice is everywhere. But are we making the right choices when it comes to choosing a lifetime partner and sustaining healthy relationships? Happy, healthy and successful relationships are based on understanding yourself and your partner; and how the two of you relate. So, before you start planning the fancy wedding and sending out the invitations, here are a few questions you want to ask yourself.

Do you love yourself?

This is the most important question any woman must ask herself before she ever thinks of committing herself to a relationship. It is proven fact that we allow others to treat us the way we want and ask them to treat us. And unless a woman loves herself, it's hard for her to believe that anyone else will. The aura you emanate, in the way you present yourself, determines how others respond to you. Self-esteem is very important for a healthy relationship. When you love yourself in spite of your shortcomings, it boosts your confidence in yourself. And when you feel confident and secure in yourself, you can enjoy being with your partner for the joy they bring to your life, not because you need them to survive.

Do you like your partner?

When two people really like each other it shows in the way they treat each other. This leads to a healthy relationship. All too often couples become too focused on the romantic aspect of relationships and dwell on love. If you do not believe love is an emotion that erodes with time, look at two people you know who used to love each other with a passion and now cannot stand to be in the same room with each other. It's important to remember that love is an emotion that comes and goes, but when two people truly like each other, agree with each other and enjoy being together, share the same hopes and dreams then love will never be more than a stone throw away.

Do you spend quality time together?

As humans, we naturally devote time to the things that matter most to us: projects, careers, goals, our children, and so on. We devote time to the things we deem to be important in our lives. Neglecting to spend time with the person you intend to marry is not a good sign of things to come because with time, life gets busier; with career, children, and other obligations, so if you can’t find time for each other now the chances of you finding time for each other in the future becomes even slimmer and the likelihood that you will drift apart becomes even greater.

Do You Communicate?

Good communication is essential for any healthy relationship, but especially for one in which two people will share the same living quarters for almost three quarters of their natural lives (assuming you get hitched before 30 and live to be a 100). Communication is the way we let each other into our private worlds. Talking to each other is about learning to express openly and honestly exactly what you think and feel. It also means listening and talking to each other without fear of judgment. Knowing how to argue well is another key component of healthy and effective communication. African women who argue with men are often seen as aggressive and disrespectful, but it is important to remember that arguing does not necessarily need to translate into swinging hateful words back and forth at each other, or about putting each other down. If this describes your relationship, you need to call the printer and cancel the invitation cards. Arguing well is about learning to express your disagreements and opinions without damaging the relationship. Arguments are a normal part of any healthy relationship because we are all different and see things differently from everyone else. A good argument gives couples an opportunity to share feelings that strengthen their bond. They do this by reaching a decision they’re both happy with. Ending a good argument on a positive note can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings you closer together.

Are you open to change?

If you are lucky to have found a six-foot tall man with a sexy cut, or you have a man with great looking teeth; whatever it is about the one you’re with, know that the way they look on the outside will change one day. The six-pack will give way to flab and the height may give in to a man bent over from the burden of all the weight he’s carrying on top. People change, and so does life - and not always in ways that we want or expect. Before you jump the broom, ask yourself: how open are you to change? Change can provide opportunities for closeness and growth, but it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have always been familiar and safe. Couples who learn to adapt to change and accept change as part of the inevitabilities of life are the ones that make successful relationships. There’s a reason why marriage vows include the phrase “for better or for worse.” If you are not ready to mean it when you say it; then don’t bother.  

Remember that marriage is more than picking which friends you want as bridesmaids, color coordination and a choice between strapless and sleeves, white and ivory. It’s about having another human-being, totally different from yourself, living and sharing and being with you for the rest of your natural live. It is not a decision to be taken lightly or in haste or under pressure. Honestly answering the questions above and taking an honest assessment of your values and that of your partner is a good place to start.