Co-Authored by: N. Amma Twum-Baah and Funmi A. Adeyele
“I really like you and wish we could just be friends.” If you’re a woman reading this, chances are at some point in your adult life you have heard these words from the man you were absolutely sure would one day meet you at the altar. As honest – and maybe well-intentioned – as a man may be when he utters these world-shattering words, no woman wants to hear the man she has fallen in love with tell her she’s not the one he wants to commit to. Can’t We Just Be Friends? Awo and Fiifi met back in college when they were both first year students and became very fast friends. As their relationship blossomed, so did their attraction and likeness for each other. Subsequently, after graduating from college they both found themselves living in the United Kingdom and the relationship continued. Awo, however, had a hard time understanding why Fiifi couldn’t seem to bring himself to commit to a serious relationship with her beyond the friendship they shared. “I was absolutely confused,” says Awo, who now lives in the United States and is a corporate executive with a successful engineering firm in Chicago. Awo says both she and Fiifi had casually discussed marriage and the number of children they would have in the future, but never quite got to the point of ‘serious talk’. Awo says despite their growing affection for each other, not to mention the great chemistry they shared between the sheets, Fiifi always seemed to have an excuse for why he wasn’t ready to take the relationship a step further. After four years of great friendship and nothing more, Awo says she grew increasingly frustrated and tired of waiting so she chose to confront the situation. It was during this confrontation that Awo says Fiifi admitted he needed more time. “He said I was a great person and he was lucky to have me as his friend. He wanted us to just continue to be friends while he sorted himself out.” Awo continues, “He said he didn’t want to lose me as a friend. It was his continued emphasis on the word ‘friend’ that made it clear to me he didn’t want to take our relationship beyond what we had. I was devastated.” This is when Awo says she decided to terminate her relationship with Fiifi and cut off all ties and communication with him. It’s been almost a year since the split and Awo says she still feels the hurt every time she thinks about the fact that she lost her best friend and the man she was so sure would one day be her husband. She is currently dating and things are looking up, but the hurt she says she feels is real. What African Men Are Really Trying to Tell You There are stories a lot like Awo’s being told by African women around the world, but mostly by African women living abroad. This growing phenomenon of “friends with benefits” caused African Goddess to go out and hear first-hand from African men what they mean when they say “let’s just be friends.”What makes a woman better suited for friendship and not a serious, committed relationship? Four very brave African men were willing to go on record. Hopefully, what they let out will help you better protect your heart by being able to read the signs early on and avoid wasting your time on a relationship that’s headed nowhere. He’s Still Looking Around/Not Ready to Commit – The obvious was stated by George, a 28 year-old final year MBA student from Nigeria who lives in Syracuse, New York. His Reasoning: George admits he is not surprised to hear a story such as Awo’s. He admits he’s used this line on women he wasn’t sure he wanted to settle with permanently. Although he admits it’s an easy way for a man who’s confused about a woman to bid his time, it can also be detrimental when used on a woman who knows what she wants in a relationship. He says he learned this when he used this line on his girlfriend (now married ex) two years ago. According to him, he was not ready to settle down at the time. “I had so much going on for me and all she could do was talk about marriage and babies. I figured if we could just remain friends, I would be able to buy myself some time, but she didn’t want to hear it.” When asked why he couldn’t just assure her that he eventually wanted to settle down with her, but just needed time to sort his life out, George says at the time he wasn’t so certain she was the one. “I was young and still wanted to look around. It made me wonder if I really wanted to make that kind of decision and commitment then.” George says now he is at the point in his life where he feels ready to settle down and wishes he hadn’t rushed to pitch the “let’s just be friends” line because now he can really see himself with someone like his ex. “I guess you just have to grow into these things. The older a man gets, the stronger his focus is on the woman in his life.” His Advice to Women: When a man is in his twenties, eighty percent of the time, he is not at a point in life where he wants to make such a commitment because we have a tendency to think time is on our side. Allow him to grow with you. Women get impatient sometimes and it’s understandable. They don’t have the luxury of fooling around the way men do. But, most times friendship blossoms into something magical and it’s the patient women who are rewarded. If you suspect there are other women in the picture, however, move on. He’s only wasting your time. He’s Seeing Someone Else/Other Women – Asante is a 33 year-old married man from Ghana, and a Nursing student who lives in Indiana. His Reasoning: Usually when a man uses this line on a woman he’s been seeing for a while, chances are he’s seeing someone else and he’s buying time while he makes his comparisons. We, men, know how much it hurts to hear someone you care about say they are only interested in you as nothing more than a friend – it’s that pain of rejection. So, if you are unfortunate enough to be the one he chooses to be his “friend,” then you should know that he has considered his choices very carefully and made a decision. He has most possibly weighed his options and decided that he cares more about the other woman and you just need to leave it alone. Sometimes, it can mean he’s seeing several other women and needs time to make up his mind. When AG asked what the chances are that he’s using the same line on all the other women, Asante responded by saying, “it’s possible, but I’m sure that if you’re the woman receiving the ‘let’s just be friends’ line chances are that you’re the one who’s not getting picked.” His Advice to Women: Know your man’s history. How many stable relationships has he had and how long did they last? Does he have a habit of being the one to end the relationship, and if so, is he still friends with his exes? This should be a good indicator of your future together. He Can’t Picture a Future with You Beyond What You Have Between the Sheets - Mark is a 29 year-old Orthodontist who lives in Toronto, Canada. He’s originally from Ghana. His Reasoning: If you’re in a “friends with benefits” kind of relationship, chances that a man is going to want to take things serious with you are slim to none. Why go to the trouble of becoming exclusive when you can “have your cake and eat it?” Sex for most men is usually the icing on the cake – after we have studied a woman’s character and lifelong partnership potential. Once a man can get that without having to go the distance, what other motivation does he have to take the relationship beyond its already established boundaries? There’s an arrangement in place that seems to be working, why change it? His Advice to Women: African women used to make us men fight for them. I remember when I first met my wife back in secondary school it was not an easy task to even get her to talk to me. There were obstacles (her resolve to make me work for her affection, her father, the wall around her house and the big gate out front that said “do not enter.”) Today, it is not so, especially abroad. African women have lost all respect for themselves and the obstacles are no more. African men may give you the impression that they have choices in women from other races who are willing to “give it up,” and that you have competition with the diverse pool of women found abroad, but don’t be fooled. In the end, most African men want to settle down with an African woman – someone we can relate to, someone who shares our cultural values, someone we can respect and who respects herself. So, hold out and “kyere wo ho kakra’” (translated to mean, play hard to get). An African man who is serious about settling down can appreciate a woman who has not compromised her integrity.” And remember, it is the women he doesn’t have to fight hard to get that become “just friends.” You’re Not Wife Material/What He’s looking for – Jawara, a 34 year-old corporate attorney from Senegal communicated exclusively with AG via IM. He lives in the United Kingdom. His Reasoning: Men want to have it all. In fact we wish we could have it all. We want the friend we can talk to and hang out with and possibly have sex with, on one hand, and on the other hand we want the woman who will cook our dinner and do our laundry and just want to stay home and not complain. Jawara describes the first woman as the very good friend who just gets it and the second woman as the ideal woman you want to take home to mum. Once a woman puts herself in the first category she has done herself a great disservice because a man can’t see you as anything more than a convenience. Once a man has taken pleasure with your body and your “friendship,” it becomes difficult to see as anything more serious than that. His Advice to Women: African women need to understand that the common saying “there are women you date and there are those you take home to meet your mother,” has a lot of truth to it. Don’t become the woman he just wants to date. Your ultimate goal should be to become the one he takes home to meet his family. Most Senegalese men yearn for the approval of their mothers regarding the woman they intend to marry. If you have been seeing your man for quite sometime and you’ve never met his mother or she’s never heard of you, you should ask yourself some serious questions. If you haven’t met your future mother-in-law and your man tells you he thinks you should just be friends, basically all he’s trying to say is that you’re not wife material. You’re not his type of ideal woman and you need to keep on moving.” It may not be your fault. It may be that that’s just the kind of man he is. In that case, you have a duty to yourself to listen to your intuition and move on. When a man is simply playing games, women know! So there you have it! The men have said it all. For African women who may find themselves in such a relationship, be it now or in the future, AG wants to add one simple truth to what the men above have already stated: “Men usually say exactly what they mean. There are no code words. It is our responsibility (and for our own good) to take them at their word. When a man says he wants to just be friends, that’s exactly what he means – JUST FRIENDS!”
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