Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

Co-Authored by Nicole A. Twum-Baah and Funmi A. Adeyele

Africans used to say “home is where the heart is,” and “There’s no place like home.” Not anymore. At least, not among African women living in the United States. In a phone and online survey conducted by African Goddess, a higher percentage of African men said they were willing and eager to relocate to their original home countries than African women surveyed. The reasons given by men varied in sharp contrast to the reasons given by the women. While the men were eager to go back home to buy land, build houses, establish businesses and show off their social and economic accomplishments,  women were more concerned about what life back home had to offer them in terms of their social and economic independence. The poll included men and women with varied educational levels. Surprisingly (or maybe not), with the men surveyed, education played a role in the responses we received. The higher the educational level, the more resistance there was to relocate back to their respective African countries. Those with lesser education (high school and some college) were more in tune with the prospects of returning home than those with a college degree or advanced degrees and established careers.  This, however, was not the case for the women. Women across the board – regardless of education, career establishments or social standing – except of course married women who said they would reluctantly relocate if their husbands wanted to, were less inclined to the idea of returning to their respective African homes.

The main purpose of the survey was to explore the cultural influences of the west in the lives of African women and what impact this newly acquired cultural influence had on their willingness to return to their respective original home countries. With the current brain drain in Africa one may perceive this growing trend as somewhat disturbing, until you hear the reasons why African women are running away from home. African Goddess sought out a number of these women to further explore why they are unwilling to go back home and what we found will make you understand why African women living in the land of the free are unwilling to give up their freedoms for life back home in Africa.

Adzo, from Ghana, is a 35 year old pharmaceutical manager at one of the major pharmacy chains in Virginia. Adzo is recently divorced from her husband of four years and has two children. She does not plan to remarry. Having migrated to the US to further her education, Adzo is now an American citizen. During her stay in the United States, Adzo has managed to purchase a home in a posh suburb in Maryland, and owns her own car.  She says she divorced her husband because of the multiple affairs he was having. ”This had been going on for years and each time it happened he pleaded, acted sorry and promised it wouldn’t happen again.” After the fourth affair, Adzo filed for divorce and says she has moved on. “If I were living in Ghana, getting divorced would not have been an option. I would have been under societal pressure to stay in an abusive marriage, because that’s exactly what this was – emotional abuse. I would have no respect in society, even though I am an educated woman with a respectable career, children, a house and a car, just for being divorced.” Adzo then went on to add, “where I come from, you are better off having a husband who beats you everyday than to not have one at all. To walk out of a marriage is just not an option.” Adzo loves the United States and calls it home. She has no plans of going back to live, at least not permanently. She does, however, make the occasional Christmas visit.

Irene, from Senegal, is 30 years old and married. She is a third year law student and says she is not interested in settling back home because she fears her husband will change once they relocate to Senegal. Her husband has suggested they go back home in the next five years and Irene is trepid.  “See, in Senegal, the man in the boss! There is no sharing of household chores and such. Here, at least he acts like we’re equals. He washes the dishes, cooks and helps with general household chores while I study.” Irene and her husband have no children and have agreed not to until after she passes the bar and lands herself a job. This is despite pressure from both sides of the family to start a family. “My mother keeps saying I can go to school and raise children. My mother-in-law had the audacity to insinuate that there is something wrong with my child-bearing capabilities and I am just using school as a cover-up.”Irene says she will go where her husband goes out of loyalty to him. But, if she had a choice, she would like to continue enjoying the freedoms women enjoy in this great country called America.

Ade, a 28 year old, single, fashion designer from Nigeria says she refuses to commit to a man who dreams of going home in the next 15 to 20 years. “I want to have my children in America. I know I can continue to pursue my business in Nigeria with a husband, but it won’t be the same.” Ade is fearful that she would not be as successful living in Nigeria as she is here in the states. “Here, I have peace of mind and am under no pressure from anyone. I have my own apartment and car and I go and come as I please. If I were in Nigeria, I will be living in my father’s house and be treated like a child. I would not be able to afford life’s little luxuries that this great country has to offer – freedom of movement.”

Adelaide, also from Nigeria and single, had the same take on her American freedoms as Ade did. And so did Funmi (30 year old medical doctor, Nigeria), Nana Abena (25 year old grocery store clerk, Ghana), Akeyo (34 year old cosmetologist, Kenya) and Aluna (27 year old third year student and doctor’s assistant, Kenya), all single African women enjoying the freedoms of living away from home, on their own, with no outside pressure. Akeyo says “the only time I get pressure is when I call home to speak to my parents, which I rarely do because I want my peace of mind.” Nana Abena admits she hasn’t spoken with her mother in over three months, not because they do not get along, but, because she is sick of hearing her mother say “a woman has no respect if she has no man in her life. And a woman’s only honor in life comes from her husband. It makes me feel worthless, as a human being, to hear that.”

Mona, a 30 year old dress-maker from Cameroon recalls the night she and her family were traveling back to the city after visiting her grand-parents in the village. “It was a family reunion and we set back out a little late. My aunt chose to ride with us because my dad is an irrational driver who usually makes the 5 hour trip in half the time. My aunt wanted to get home before her husband so she could have food on the table by the time he got home!” Mona is understandably upset about this incident because as she puts it “the man had just eaten and my aunt, my mum and all the other women in the family had slaved all day in the kitchen with my grandmother to feed the men! How could he be hungry again and expect food when they got home? Such injustice and slavery!” Mona continues to vent, “And then she said she didn’t want her husband to have any reason to leave her!”

Almost all the women surveyed echoed the sentiment that women living in America enjoy greater freedoms and some went to the extent of stating that women do not even really need men in the west. Except Mavis, a 38 year old architect and entrepreneur also from Ghana, who disagrees and as she put it, “While America does offer African women – and most women from oppressive societies – a sense of freedom and some level of protection from societal influence and scrutiny, it is this same freedom that has led to the decay of marriage and the family structure of Africans living abroad.” Mavis believes that African marriages possess a special ingredient missing in western cultures: respect for each other; knowledge of the roles each gender plays in making the marriage successful; and acknowledging the man as the authority figure. According to Mavis (a married woman with three children who says living in America has not changed her African values when it comes to her relationship with her husband), “African women everywhere have neglected their God-given roles as good wives and women of virtue, and this has turned our men into the disrespectful, unprotective monsters they are today.” She goes on to say, “My marriage to my husband was blessed by God from the onset and so there has never been any problem with me giving him the respect he deserves and this causes him to shower me with all the love and attention in the world. Maybe African women should stop viewing serving their husbands as some sort of obligation meant to enslave them and, instead, do it out of love and care and they won’t feel the way they feel.”

After all is said and done, African women are the life-line and pillars of their societies. African women, especially the educated ones, have the voice to effect change. With fewer African women opting to return home, it not only leaves room for the injustices to continue to grow. Women have a powerful voice when we band together, a voice that can effect change. But how are we going to do that if we refuse to go home? That’s a question for all of us to ponder and answer.

*Names have been changed for the privacy of survey participants. And responses edited for content and grammatical reasons.