Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

Authored by Nicole Amma Twum-Baah

For stick-in-the-mud African traditionalists, certain topics strike a nerve.  Any criticism of such issues is cause for one to be labeled a sellout lacking cultural pride. The guilty are accused of buying into western culture and ideals. With this awareness, Afrikan Goddess simply could not resist the temptation to delve into the practice of dowries or “bride price” and its impact on love in today’s modern world. Based on the magnitude of the topic, and the many views expressed, this feature will be a three-part series. The author’s introduction and views are featured in this issue (March Issue). The views of women will be discussed in Part 2 (April Issue). And the views of men will be discussed in Part 3 (May Issue).

Marriage is a sacred part of African tradition, an institution entered into by every man and woman of “suitable” marriage age. It is usually not considered an option! At a certain point in one’s life, it is expected that men and women get married. An unmarried woman is usually seen as questionable within society, and as a result, many women (and men) have rushed into marriage in an attempt to silence their critics, only to have regrets later on.

In previous years, women were betrothed to their future husbands at a very early age and didn’t have much say in whom they chose to spend their lives with. Today, traditional marriages have evolved, with more leverage given to individuals to pick their own partners based on love and other mutual interests. Yet, even with all the positive changes, one practice has managed to stick around even though it is considered a stumbling block in the minds of most modern-thinking, educated, Africans. Even bible believing, educated, professional, and modern-thinking women are bought at a price - matter of fact; the better educated and accomplished a daughter is, the higher her asking bride price.

In many West African countries, the practice is known as “bridal worth/wine carrying ceremony”. In Southern Africa, it is known as “lobola/magadi.”  In East Africa, it is known as “mahari.”

The first time I attended an actual traditional marriage ceremony was roughly two years ago, when my older sister got married in Ghana. Her husband’s family came to see my family in what is known as the initial “knocking” ceremony. This is when the man’s family makes their son’s intentions known to the bride’s family, and the bride’s family in turn makes their demands. I guess you can say this is where the “fair price” for her “purchase” is haggled. Some families engage in a back and forth debate over what they think is a fair and agreeable amount, while the father of the bride brags about how well-educated, well-behaved and home-trained his daughter is and how lucky the man’s family is to have her join their family, all the while reminding them that for what she’s worth, they are lucky to even be getting her at a bargain. Most modern families engage in the practice of handing the man’s family a list of their demands.

My father is a modern day African man who believes in gender equality and the education of the girl child. He also holds a Ph.D. from one of America’s most prestigious universities. This is why I was very surprised and disappointed when my sister showed me a copy of the list my family had provided to her husband’s family. Determined to make myself heard that day, of course after the man’s family had left – I didn’t want to foil my sister’s chances of getting married – I approached my father, list in hand, both sisters in tow, with looks of disapproval on our faces. (Despite the fact that my father sometimes disapproves of my views and approach on certain aspects of African culture, he clearly respects my opinions and is always willing to hear me out, no matter how much we disagree. This has earned me the unique position of being the “appointed one” to confront my father when issues such as these arise.)

“Daddy, is this all you think your daughter is worth? She’s your oldest daughter and you’re selling her for 200 cedis? (I can’t remember the exact amount but it didn’t amount to more than 200 dollars after I did the math).

My father proceeded to correct me, “She’s not for sale, sweetheart, and its just tradition.”

“But it says right here, bridal worth=200 cedis. How can you say she’s not for sale when it says bridal worth and there’s a cedi amount attached? You have put a cedi amount on the value of your daughter! What do you mean its only tradition? What would happen if you took that part out?” I persisted.

My mother’s older sister who had attended the ceremony and was still hanging around at this time sat listening in disbelief as I continued to argue with my father over what I believed was wrong with the traditional marriage system and how “he can’t put a dollar amount on my value first as a human being and second as a woman; and that no man would ever be able to afford me because even if there was a dollar amount of which I am worth, no man would be able to afford me.” My aunt who at this time had gotten impatient with my father’s patience with me retorted that I was thinking like an American, to which I replied, “Well, yeah I am American!” My mother frustrated with my “sass” at this point stepped in and began to impatiently explain to me that they were in no way trying to sell off their daughter and that this was just the way it’s always been done. “Its tradition and it secures a woman’s honor.” I’m still not sure which I was the more upset over – that my father had settled for such a small amount of money, or that he had attached a monetary value to the worth of my dear sister in the first place.

After I reiterated my stance on why I thought having to pay a bride price was a wrong and archaic practice that devalued the humanity of women, and how “no wonder men think women are their property to do with as they please,” my father decided to appease us by changing the language to read “bridal gift” instead of “bridal worth.” We won a small victory that day, but it didn’t help much. Somehow, knowing that the money was to be considered a “gift” and not a “sale value” eased the tension a little. I dropped the subject and proudly stood by my sister the next day during her traditional marriage ceremony, and then again when she took her vows at the altar two days after the traditional ceremony. Today, nearly two years have passed and my sister is still happily married to a man who loves, respects, cherishes and adores her.

Of course, she is one of the few exceptions to the rule! Many women are not so lucky, for they do indeed go on to be treated like the chattel they became the day they were purchased by their husbands - at a cost.

Many Africans keen on tradition consider a marriage invalid until the traditional rites have been performed - meaning the bride price has been accepted and paid - leaving modernized, culturally aversive women no choice but to succumb to being purchased by the men they love, and having to live with the knowledge that they were bought at a price. In many homes, the more a man pays for his wife, the higher his expectations of her as his wife. One male friend equated it to the concept of purchasing a Mercedes Benz verses a Ford Escort – "you expect to get more for your buck from what you paid for."

Take away the practice of bride pricing and traditional African marriages are beautiful ceremonies, full of color and splendor, and rich in the cultural blending of two very different families. The bride-to-be is pampered and treated like a princess and the attention is befitting that of royalty. She is showered with gifts and not expected to lift a finger. In some customs she is afforded bridal attendants who do her every bidding. It is a day for her parents to take pride in the daughter they have raised – one who will add value to any man’s family by bearing his children, keeping his home, and standing by his side. The abundance of family, bonding, food, drinks, laughter, and music make it a breathtaking and beautiful ceremony. The celebration solidifies the family/community structure that is so essential to African communities and its very existence. However, with all its beauty, splendor and meaning, Africans are very unwilling to rid the ceremony of what they deem to be the very essence of the traditional rites – the bride price.

Many have argued that bride prices complicate love and consciously or unconsciously make a woman feel unequal and inferior in a marriage. Men and women who expressed their views to Afrikan Goddess had a lot to say about the practice and whether or not they think it interferes with the expression of love in modern relationships and marriages. Many think “it is just tradition” and holds no true significance to the way a couple relates in their marriage. Others see it as “an archaic tradition we can live without.” Some think the practice takes away a woman’s right to freely assert herself. And others say it’s just something to be done to preserve the sanctity of African marriages.  Read next month’s issue and find out what African women think. You may join in with your thoughts by submitting your comments below.

Well I want to say that, there actually isn’t anything wrong with the ceremony. But, perhaps the name should be changed. “Bride price” straight away tell you the bride is being paid for and actually when you look at the list of some fathers, it’s appalling. But well what we can do it’s all in the name of tradition.

Kuukua Twum-Baah, Accra, Ghana (3/10/2009)