Authored by Nicole Amma Twum-Baah Educated minds, being ever inventive and, some, open-minded, have figured out ways to polish and put a modern and more positive spin on the practice of bride pricing in traditional African marriage ceremonies. Several women interviewed on the topic happened to be educated African women, who said the practice has had no negative impact in their marriages or on their expression and concept of love. This, many said, was because they were not looking at the practice from the angle of being bought, but simply being offered a gift by their husbands. With that notion, it makes the practice much more appealing and good-to-keep. However, in the case of true-to-the-core traditionalists who still view the practice as justification for the domination of women, the issue was not successfully addressed. This is Part 2 of our three-part series started last month, featuring the view of women on the practice of bride prices according to traditional African marriages, and its impact on love. Last month’s feature of the discussion introduced the practice and outlined the author’s views. Akinyu is a 29 year-old attorney from Kenya who says she and her husband dated for six years before they was able to save enough money to perform the traditional marital rites in their home country. “We wanted to get married and start a family sooner but things weren’t going very well financially. We had both just graduated grad school – he from medical school and I from law school - and the student loans were drowning us in debt. Being fearful that my family would judge him harshly based on the fact that we both live and work abroad, and on the perception that we could afford it, we both decided it would be best if we cleared down some our debt and saved up enough before getting married.” Akinyu says the stress was overwhelming, and at times, almost took a negative toll on their relationship, but they were both determined and finally got married two years ago. “My husband always assures me I was worth every penny by the way he treats me. I have never felt obliged to be a doormat and have never felt the need to compensate him by being a stereotypical African wife because he paid a price to make me his wife. You find something valuable; you have to pay for it.” When asked whether she thought her husband paid her family what she was worth, Akinyu replied, “Honey, he would have had to spend the rest of his life working in my father’s company in order to pay what I believe I’m worth. But its not about the monetary value, it’s about him giving all he had from his heart. What he paid was simply a token of his appreciation for the smart, resourceful and valuable woman he has by his side toady, and you can’t put a price on that. No one can.” Amina is a 34 year-old dentist from Ivory Coast who says both she and her husband saved and contributed to the money that was offered to her family. “We, however, agreed that the money and other items he would offer to me as a bride price would be money he worked for and saved up himself. I was curious to see how much treasure – emphasis on treasure – he placed on me being his wife.” When my family gave his family a number, he doubled it. Does that mean that I owe him anything? No. It means my husband saw a treasure in me and he thought I was worth twice what my family offered. I have had three kids for this man, I cook for him and I perform other wifely duties, not because of what he offered my family, but because I love him and I value him. Does this mean I have to do these things because of what he paid? No. I did the math, and if the money he paid me was for my “wifely duties,” then I was greatly underpaid.” Amina says laughing. And she did make a lot of sense. As iterated by many of the women, if they were for sale, then their husbands would still be paying for them and the many beneficial “services” they have received to date, and will continue to receive over several years. Amanda, a 28 year old bank teller from Nigeria had a very simple answer when asked her thoughts on how it felt to know her husband paid a monetary price to make her his wife. “This is a tradition that has been handed down from generation to generation. It is what makes our marriage system different from all others. It is part of our culture.” Carrying similar sentiments, Yaa Asantewaa (36) a registered nurse from Ghana expressed, rather harshly, the need to keep the culture alive and even went so far as to criticize women for thinking the practice is out-dated. “This is the very reason why African marriages work! She said. “We can’t just throw away our culture because other people think the practice is primitive. It does not harm anyone. And just because some women have acquired an education and have developed the western mentality of marriage and love, they now think they are being bought at a price - and they cannot be bought. Our ancestors put this tradition in place for a reason. It is what makes us Ghanaians/Africans! If we were to remove that part of the ceremony, what would be left? The giving of money and gifts to the bride’s family is the whole essence of the traditional ceremony. Take that out, and we might as well forget about the traditional marriage and just have a big old-fashioned western wedding.” Though Yaa Asantewaa admits there are certain aspects of African culture – Ghanaian culture in particular – she would consider morally degrading to women; she believes bride prices not to one such practice. “It is up to us as a people to rightly and morally judge what is outdated, and useless and that sets us back communally, and keep those that have value and essence – having a man respect you by going to your family and being asked to be compensated for raising such a valuable woman should make every woman proud and not resentful.” In Amanda’s opinion, the practice of bridal pricing is not a practice to be done away with. She says she loves her husband and he loves her even more, and the fact that her husband came to her family in respect and asked for her hand in marriage, that her family investigated her husband’s family background and also for the fact that her family was ‘compensated’ for her upbringing makes her feel respected and valued. “It is up to the two people in the marriage to make it what it is. When a man struggles to pay what is requested - and even if he has to work his whole life to be able to afford it - it’s because African women are worth the price. He is not paying for a cow or a work-maid, he is paying for a life partner and he needs to know that he sweated and toiled to get her. Men treat what they pay for with respect and devalue what they get for free. It is just the way life is! Ask women who are sleeping or living with men who have not performed the marriage ceremony and see how respected they feel!” As mentioned earlier, the majority of the women who participated in our survey and interviews had no qualms with the practice of demanding and paying bride prices. Many actually termed it “an essential part of our African heritage (regardless of what country one is from)”, and insisted that as long as the price set was not set over-the-top, there was no reason to complain about it. A few women, however, did express dissatisfaction with the practice, though they were a bit hesitant to go as far as saying the practice should be abolished: Sheila from Ghana who has been married to her husband for almost 5 years says in all the time they’ve been married he never hesitates to remind her that he paid “big money” to get her to be his wife and as such, expects certain things from her. “He is always starting his complaints with “obaa a mate sika aware wo…” (“a woman I have paid money to marry…”) followed by why he shouldn’t have to clean up after himself, or go into the kitchen and fix himself a plate, or be told I’m not in the mood for sex etc. ‘I paid money to marry you, why do I have to cook my own food?’ ‘I paid money to marry you, why do I have to do my own laundry?’ This is all I have heard from day to day since we got married.” Sheila admits the pattern is annoying but admits that her husband is very traditional and believes in gender roles. Though she admits that most times he makes such comments jokingly, most times he means what he says and it hurts to hear him say that. Sheila’s husband may be wired too tight to let go of some of his traditional sentiments and may mean no harm by it, but it does not undermine the fact that it serves as a constant reminder of why she should do certain things. Adenale from South Africa says men will always find a reason to justify their backward thinking that women are inferior to them. “It is not the fact that he paid a bridal price for you that will make him think he can lord it over you. People in America and European countries don’t pay bridal prices yet they too boss their women around. They just buy a ring, go on one knee, set a romantic setting and the woman says ‘yes,’ they have a big expensive wedding and two months later they are divorced. He didn’t pay ‘lobola’ for her but he still thinks he owns her. It is the general way men think. I would rather know that the man I’m with paid something to compensate my family for the hell he’s putting me through, than for him to get me for free and still think he owns me and treat me as such.” Many have argued that bride prices does not complicate love, nor does it consciously or unconsciously make a woman feel unequal and inferior in a marriage. Women who expressed their views to Afrikan Goddess had a lot to say about the practice and whether or not they think it interferes with the expression of love in modern relationships and marriages. Many think “it is just tradition” and holds no true significance to the way a couple relates in their marriage. A few others argued it as “an out-dated tradition that gives men another reason for why they own the women in their lives.” Some think the practice is just something to be done to preserve the sanctity of African marriages. Read next month’s issue and find out what the men think. 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