Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

... So that the Beauty will Shine Through

By: Rita Apaloo (July 1, 2010)

A beautiful garden doesn't just happen out of nowhere, it takes a diligent gardener working to keep it that way throughout the growing season. That means visiting the garden often, staying on top of weeding, feeding or fertilizing, pruning, watering and doing all the things required to keep it beautiful. Once the hard work is done, the gardener and everyone in sight of the garden can then enjoy its beauty.

The same is true for developing positive attitude and beliefs about oneself and toward others, something I continue to work at. Giving people the benefit of the doubt and trusting that they are coming from an honest place has been the hardest thing for me, although I’m gradually making progress. I suspect that my struggle has something to do with having been raised in a culture where everyone is highly suspicious and distrustful.

I know people who wouldn't dare tell close friends and family about traveling plans back home to Africa because they're afraid of being harmed either physically or by black magic. Another example is a friend (who lives in Europe) who was suspicious that a friend of hers had put black magic in her shoes while she was spending the weekend because she found a powdery substance in them. (She refused to wear them and threw them out on her way home for fear of bringing bad luck into her living space.)

“Situations like these sadden me but they remind me of the words of Ghandi “Be the change you wish to see.” I personally would not go to such extremes, but I am not immune to the influence of having grown up in an environment where negative attitudes and beliefs are the norm.”

This is not to say that negative thinking is always bad. In fact, to the contrary, many Africans strive on negativity. We have the tendency to do very well and survive under stressful and often negative situations. Sometimes anticipating the worst case scenario can help steer us away from problematic circumstances. However, we need to be mindful of how and when to use negative thinking to our advantage and ensure it is not hurting our relationships and chances to get ahead.

As founder of a relationship-building organization, I get plenty of opportunities to be the change I wish to see, and sometimes I fall short. Once when I received some personal checks, I had worried out loud about the validity of the checks. Another friend who was present and to whom I am so grateful, said, “It's not right to think like that. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure they won't give you a bad check knowingly.” I was ashamed of myself but most importantly, I was reminded to start with the assumption that people have good hearts and good intentions until proven otherwise.

Just like the gardener approaches gardening, one has to have a plan of action and keep on plugging away at it. I have to consciously and continuously work at getting negative thoughts and attitudes out of my system because like the garden, if left alone, the bad stuff (weeds) will overshadow the beauty.

About the Author

Rita Apaloo is the Founder of African Women Connect, a Minnesota-based relationship building organization for African women. She is also the author of the blog Making the Connection.