Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

From the North to the South, East to the West of Africa, cultures vary, and so do beliefs. But, one thing most Africans can agree on is that the cultural role of women in society has always been, and still mostly remains one of subservience. Women are brought up, in many traditional African societies, to get married, cater to their men, and to bear children, preferably sons, to continue the family line. With the increased rate in educated African women, women are deviating from the norm and voicing objections and opinions both in the home and in public forums. The tenacity and vocal capacity of highly educated African women has caused them to be labeled arrogant, disrespectful, and un-African. It is an understandable and expected human reaction to change, especially when such change deviates so far from what was once considered normal.  In countries, such as the US, UK, Canada and other European countries, where women’s rights are openly enforced, and a majority of women work outside the home, most often out earning their male counterparts, and contribute significantly to the financial upkeep of the home, it becomes difficult to blend African cultural norms with modern/western culture.

Most African men, frustrated by what they term arrogant, untraditional Afrikan women, turn to women back home as better suited marriage partners. African Goddess gave our readers a chance to voice what they really think of educated African women.

What African Men Said:

Femi (Nigeria): believes the culture of silence enforced in certain traditional societies as a way of keeping women in check, is golden. According to him, this culture works best for a community because it keeps the peace and order set by such boundaries. “Women have a tendency to talk too much and when no boundaries are set, especially within the home environment, it can be disastrous.” A culture he says educated African women just don’t seem to understand. “It’s not that men think a woman is less important than men, it’s just the simple fact that educated women have a tendency to talk themselves into thinking they are equal to men in terms of running the home.” Well, according to Femi, it doesn’t work that way because in every community structure there is a hierarchy with leadership and authority at the top, and we all can’t be at the top. There has to be the head and the tail. “When both husband and wife get into a fighting match over who gets to direct the ship it creates conflict and a disruption of that order. I think the problem with educated women is not that they are arrogant, it’s just that they can’t seem to find that balance between their role in the home and their role in the workplace.” Femi who says he once dated a dentist who wanted to split everything 50-50, and always seemed to have an opinion even when it was not sought, says he will never again go for a highly educated woman who does not “know her place.” As he puts it, “I’m not saying there aren’t some uneducated women who travel abroad and realize they can flex their muscles with laws to protect them, it’s just that the highly educated ones seem to think that their knowledge runs the home and that’s certainly not the case.” They have simply lost a sense of their culture, and how to respect a man as the authority figure in the home. A woman needs to know when to be quiet and let her man be in control”

Tony (from Kenya): says he has no problem with an educated woman. ‘It’s just that some of them really don’t know how to talk. They might have a good point, but the presentation leaves much to be desired, he says. He is of the view that just because a woman has achieved a certain educational standard does not mean she can talk down to a man. Tony, who holds a bachelors degree and lives in Kenya says, when he approaches a woman, he does not particularly care what her level of education is – and does not care to ask. “I see a beautiful woman and I approach her with an attempt to get to know her.” He, however, says this is not so with most of the women he has approached. “They want to know your educational level, where you went to school, what you do for a living and, sometimes, they even want to know how much you make. And then when they don’t get the answers they want, they completely blow you off.” He continues by explaining that it is for this very reason that most men feel the need to lie to women. Tony says he loves educated women because they have something more to offer in a relationship. “They bring a certain spice to a marriage because you can have a conversation with your friends while she’s in the room and be assured she’s not going to say something stupid. At the same time, this can be a down-side because she might overstep her boundaries and make you and your friends look stupid.” Tony who recently moved back home after living in Canada for 15 years says it’s a breath of fresh air being home and around Kenyan women. “Here, even the educated ones seem to know when to just let it go. I believe it’s the environment in which they live. African women who live abroad in places like the US, Canada and UK are influenced by the culture to the extent that they lose a sense of who they really are and the way they were brought up.”

Nabie (Senegal): thinks there has to be a way for African women to be educated, enlightened and empowered, without having to abandon their cultural roles as wives and mothers. He believes a woman who finds a way to combine both “beautifully” is worthy of respect and honor. “I totally believe in the liberation of women, but at the same time, I am an African man. I was raised with certain values and expectations about gender roles and responsibilities. I still believe a man is the head of the household and the woman is his assistant.” To further explain what he meant, Nabie went on to say, “I once had a boss whose secretary was more educated than he was. Yet their relationship still remained that of boss and secretary. This is how it ought to be in any well structured home.” At the same time, he believes marriage is a partnership, but does not tolerate the feminist concept of 50-50. He believes in voluntarily helping to ease his wife’s domestic burdens. “If my wife needs help, I will not hesitate to provide whatever assistance I can, but when you start handing out assignments – I cooked so you clean up – then there’s a problem. I provide for my family. I never asked her to work outside the home, she decided to of her own free will. And I appreciate the help. I know I would be suffering to provide for the home if my wife stayed home with the kids, but I wouldn’t have complained because I know it is my duty as a man to provide for my family. In the same way, I expect her not to complain when seeing to her duties in the home. But, like I said before, I help my wife at home with the cleaning, cooking, laundry and all that, not because she tells me to with that 50-50 stuff, but because I want to ease her burden and she is my wife and not my slave. I understand that she works long hours just like I do, and it’s only fair that I offer a helping hand.” Nabie believes if men love their wives the way they ought to and women respect their husbands the way they ought to, there will be no need for 50-50 rules. “The understanding will just be there.” Nabie says he just knows when his wife walks through the front door what kind of day she’s had because most times, he’s already talked to her on the phone and can hear the strain in her voice. I don’t expect her to come home and cater to my needs and that of the children on her own. I love my wife and I want her to be around for a very long time, and I want her to be happy.”

What African Women Said:

Victoria (Zimbabwe): says she was raised in a culture where women were seen and not heard. “When my father wanted my mother’s opinion on something, he asked her. If he didn’t ask, she was to keep her thoughts to herself and her mouth shut.” Victoria says her mother was a very brilliant woman who never got the chance to be educated because it was not the norm in her time for a woman to make it past the elementary school level. “She was full of such natural intellect and I could tell that if given a chance, she could have become a very successful professional woman.” Victoria believes her mother’s silence is what finally killed her at the young age of 49. “I could tell she just wasn’t happy and wasn’t living the life she was capable of living. Yet, for the sake of her children, she stayed true and loyal to her husband and went with all her silent wisdom to the grave.” It is for this reason that Victoria is very upset with traditional African customs that, she says, stifle the voices of women. “I don’t care what a woman says and whether her opinion was asked for or not, if she has an opinion she should be able to express it freely without fear of being labeled arrogant.”

Amia (Tunisia): thinks it is those who have not achieved who turn around and call women who have achieved arrogant. She thinks a man who is on the same level as his woman will not have reason to be threatened by her intellect and turn to calling her names. And the same thing goes for women who think the same of highly intelligent women. “It is all about self-esteem and not feeling threatened in the presence of an intelligent, educated woman who knows what she wants, what she thinks and what she needs, and is not afraid to voice it. “Just because a woman has an opinion or knows what she will and will not tolerate from you does not make her arrogant!” Amia, who is a medical intern at one of Virginia’s prestigious hospitals, says she knows men are sensitive and even a little intimidated by women like her and so she tries to turn them down gently. “At least, he will leave with his pride and ego still in check.” Amia says she is looking for a man who is not intimidated by her beauty and intellect. She laughs as she says, “I know I have a deadly combination and the chances that I will be single for a very long time are very much real. I want to eventually settle with a man from Tunisi, but I haven’t found very many who are not intimidated by me.” Amia says she is not that concerned, however, because she knows she will eventually find a man worthy of her, it’s just a matter of time. “Some of my educated friends felt the need to lie to men they dated for years about their educational level because they were afraid the men will be turned off. But, really, how long can an intelligent woman act stupid around a man for the sake of being in a relationship?” For now, Amia is concentrating on herself and her career goals and says the man she ends up with will be a man who deserves her.

Zawadi (Tanzania): notes that educated African women are indeed misunderstood. She says the feelings of disrespect and arrogance men feel coming from educated women is actually resentment. Resentment for the way their mothers were treated in the home, resentment for the discrimination they themselves experienced growing up in a home where girls were trapped in the kitchen, while they watched their brothers allowed outside to hang with their friends or watch TV. Its resentment for being overburdened with household chores, and constantly being reminded that we were being groomed to become “good wives.” Zawadi, however, also notes that this resentment is not directed at men per say, but against the culture that enslaved our minds throughout our childhood. “It feels good to grow up, get educated, and realize that all you were taught growing up isn’t really all there is to your life - that you have choices and that you can break free from cultural enslavement, a culture that limits your capabilities based on your gender.” Zawadi says when she meets a man she feels has the tendency to hold on to traditional views of her place as a woman, she keeps moving because she will just not be caught dead in a relationship where she has to watch everything she does or says. Zawadi is currently dating a Caucasian man and says he treats her like a goddess. “He loves to hear what I have to say and he doesn’t make a fuss about what I cook for him. He will eat without complaining, or if he wants something else, he will fix it himself and fix some for me too. We actually have fun together.”  She and Mark are planning a summer wedding back in Tanzania.

Cultural Changes and their Effects on Gender Roles

One woman we interviewed jokingly said, “Marriage is an institutional prison for women, and yet it’s funny how most of us put our name on the waiting list long before we can even say ‘gaga.’” And she’s right. African women who grew up in non democratic households are usually the first ones to get married. They see their voiceless mothers serving their husbands so diligently with little appreciation in return, and yet somehow they can’t wait to grow up and get married themselves. A lot has changed in traditional African culture – certain abusive practices against women are slowly dying out and women have finally become the majority in most classrooms – and yet when it comes to marriage and roles in a marriage, not much flexibility is given or received.

Money is Power

The work culture has seen a significant overhaul, with the majority of women, especially those living abroad, working outside the home. It used to be that women had to ask their husbands for money for their daily upkeep. And just like children, if they wanted their needs met and their wants granted, they had to be obedient and compliant in order to get what they asked for. Most African women today (both educated and non-educated – if you live outside Africa) have highly paid jobs and added benefits that allow them to cater to their own needs, with or without the help of their male partners. Most women are even out-earning their men. This makes the underlying concept above the first reason why educated African women do not see the need to “worship” men. Many ask “what can he do for me that I can’t do for myself?” It’s not disrespect, its called independence. It’s like having a child who starts earning a living at 18 and can now afford to buy whatever he or she wants without having to ask for it. No longer needing daddy or mommy’s help for survival, they spread their wings and fly. For the majority of African women, no matter what country they are from, money used to be their entrapment. With travel, awareness and education, money has become their power.

Education is Empowerment

Nyambura, a sole-practicing lawyer from Kenya, says she was not in the least bit surprised when the man she recently broke up with accused her of “knowing too much.” It is easier to dominate a woman who has no idea what’s going on around her, than to dominate a woman who not only knows, but knows more than you do. This is why Nyambura says she can see herself still single at the age of forty, unless she finds a man who is not threatened by her intellect. “Most men don’t even want to know that you know,” she admits. “During our short courtship, Ray would start talking about some general topic and pride himself in the fact that he was educating me. Once I indicated that I already knew what he was talking about, or had heard it on the news, or had an opinion, he would tell me to shut up.” She adds, “Most of our conversations ended this way. So, I had a choice, either pretend I didn’t know and keep my mouth shut so he can feel like a man and I can come across as stupid, or voice my opinion and risk losing the man who was going to keep telling me to shut up for the rest of my natural-born life. I chose option number two. Unfortunately, some of my highly educated women friends have chosen option one and are miserable.”

Jonathan (Ghana): says he has never felt intimidated by his wife of three years who holds a PhD in chemical engineering. Matter of fact, it was her intellect and the way she could hold his attention that intrigued him about her. Jonathan is currently pursuing a master’s degree in education and says his wife’s dedication to education and career achievements are what inspire him to be better. “My wife has never once in the seven years I have known her, made me feel stupid or inferior. She is very encouraging and supportive of my dreams. And even though she is a highly intelligent woman and has a good paying job and works long hours, she still makes me feel like the "boss" in our home. We have engaging conversations. And when we disagree on something, it doesn’t turn into a shouting match over who’s more intelligent.” Jonathan believes this is because his wife is a humble person and not argumentative. And I know lots of other highly educated women who are still respectful and humble and don’t feel the need to put others down. “It’s when you get a woman who always wants to remind you of what she knows and how much she knows and that you don’t know – that’s when there is never peace.” Jonathan believes the upbringing of some women may have affected their self-esteem and made them feel inferior to men to the extent that once they break away, acquire a few degrees and some social standing, they feel the need to bring everyone around them to a level lower than what they think is the standard. “It’s the only way they feel important,” he says.

Lots of the other men who offered their opinions said they had no problem with educated women, as long as they still held on to their cultural values of humility and respect in the home and acknowledged the man as the head. Most women said African men need to get over the ideas of the past that held women in subservient roles and see them as their equals, because once a man understands the value of a woman’s knowledge and contributions to the home they create, life becomes a whole lot easier and no one feels threatened.

Marriage is and will always be a challenge for any couple and it takes mutual respect and love to make it work. When boundaries are drawn and lines are crossed, it ceases to be a partnership but a master-slave relationship. Women should be allowed to be themselves and men should learn not to feel threatened by it.