Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

By: Nana Adwoa Banuaku (August 1, 2009)

Over the past few months, I’ve read books on love, relationships and marriage written by Christian authors. In the past, I read these same books by non-Christian writers and gained a totally different perspective. It is amazing how two people looking at the same facts under the same circumstances can see very different results, and reach totally different conclusions based on what they see. One side may tell you to “give it up,” that “your situation is hopeless and you need to move on with your life.” The other side may tell you to “hang in there because God works in mysterious ways and there is nothing he can’t do regarding your situation.” Which side you listen to is totally up to you, but what matters is that you listen to your instincts because your instincts never lie.

I chose to share this topic because a friend of mine is going through a very difficult time in her marriage and has gotten to the point of questioning whether a divorce is the answer.

According to the worldly view, if a marriage isn’t working, you leave! If you’re not happy in a relationship, you look for happiness in the next person. If someone wrongs you, you pay them back in due measure. According to the biblical standards, a marriage is “for better or worse.” Unfortunately, many don’t pay attention to the possibility of “worse” when they say “I do.” We are to love sacrificially and without expectation of a reward. We are to love those who have hurt us and caused us great pain. We are to love those who disappoint us, and who were never there for us when we needed them the most. We are to love even if that love is not returned in the same measure. We are to love the unlovable. What?! Of course, “the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing,” I Corinthians 1:18. It takes a special kind of wisdom (wisdom of God’s discernment) to see the world beyond black and white.

To love, is to love unconditionally and sacrificially. To do this, you must give up a piece of yourself (your comforts, habits, pleasures) so the other might be made whole and live.

Ernest and Margaret have been married for two years. Each of them are from very different backgrounds. Sure, they speak the same language and love almost the same things, but they were raised in different homes on very different values. Ernest is a laid-back guy – not much of a talker. He is a gentle spirit (worldly meaning – overly-sensitive) who gets hurt very easily. Margaret on the other hand was raised to speak her mind because according to the values of her family, “ka na wo is better than fa she wo mo (literal translation: say it and die is better than keeping it inside you.”) So while Ernest prefers to keep his feelings and thoughts bottled up inside, Margaret makes her feelings and thoughts known without thinking of the repercussions or how it makes those around her feel. This difference in attitudes or expressions has caused many conflicts between husband and wife, which is beginning to snap at the seams.

Margaret is very much aware of the fact that her words have a tendency to hurt her husband yet she also insists that her way of expressing herself is the way she is (it’s her personality) and if he loves her, he will accept her for who she is. Her husband is withdrawing deeper into himself daily in hopes that keeping to himself will help avoid any conflict with his wife. Margaret is feeling abandoned by her husband because he does not ‘express’ himself or talk to her as much as he used to. It’s a never-ending cycle.

Imagine you’re Margaret and you love your husband dearly. You want to enjoy a healthy, happy relationship. What would you do? I hope try and change the way you communicate with him.

When Kate’s husband left her for another woman, she was devastated. When her estranged husband’s mistress started to torment her, Kate prayed that her new rival would fall flat on her face and die. She wanted to see the other woman suffer as much as she was suffering.

Due to the fact that the three of them shared mutual friends, it wasn’t too long before Kate got wind of the rumors that her husband’s relationship with the other woman was fast falling apart. Of course, she rejoiced and looked to Proverbs 5: 1-23 for affirmation. In her heart, she carried bitterness, anger and a strong appetite for vengeance. Had someone died, she surely would have danced the dance of victory. She was consumed with such hate for the other woman to the point that it was affecting her daily life.

Eventually, Kate’s husband broke things off with the other woman and began to communicate with Kate. It was obvious he wanted to come back home, and Kate was going to make him pay! She was going to make him pay for every tear she had cried, every hurt she had felt, and every pain she had endured. Then she learned about sacrificial love and her world changed. Instead of paying him back with evil, she became more loving towards him. She began to look at herself, and she prayed that God would make her a better person, a better partner to her husband. She prayed for unconditional love to love the man who did not deserve her love.

Today, their relationship is stronger than it ever was. Kate gave up the part of her that wanted to see the man who had hurt her suffer, and instead, she stretched out a hand of unexpected love and forgiveness. Her husband responded by being the best person he could be to his wife. He never looked at another woman because he saw the good in what he had in Kate. In giving up her anger and desire for vengeance, Kate had shown her husband a different Godly side of her and what he saw was a new and improved person who deserved nothing but his best self.

By its very nature, sacrifice is painful. To love the unlovable is hard work. It means to give up something. Making sacrifices for someone we’re in love with when the relationship is good, though difficult, is possible. But, when we have to love someone despite of what they’ve put us through or done to us, it calls for a great deal of sacrifice – a sacrifice we hope we don’t live to regret – because we allow a part of ourselves to die (pride, anger, unforgiveness etc.). We allow the part of us that seeks revenge and payback to die. Most times, this death in us brings new life to the person we chose to love despite the fact that they don’t deserve it. It is my prayer that you allow a piece of you to die, so that someone else (maybe even both of you) might live.