Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

By Nii Amu Darko (January 5, 2010) 

Sometime last year, I asked 20 friends of mine their understanding of the word LOVE as expressed between a man and a woman. The 20 friends included Africans of different nationalities, Asians and Caucasians. 12 were females and 8 males.

Interestingly, I had 20 different definitions or thoughts on love. In medicine, any condition with so many treatment options simply denotes no satisfactory treatment, which flows from the simple fact that the condition is not well understood.

Some of the few extreme definitions or opinions on love from my mini survey were:

1. there is no such a thing as love. We stick to people for personal advantage.

2.  It is mirage. A game played by mad people.

3. Mother of all fraud. This particular answer came from a lady who is married to a friend of mine (the lady is South African and the husband Nigerian), so I asked her doesn’t she love her husband? She answered, that’s why love is fraud. She got married because of what she thought she would gain and she has stayed married for the same reason. She said if she did not have a stable job (she’s a nurse) and being South African, her husband would not have married her. She helped sort the husband’s migration out. She is happy with the status quo because it means her husband values what she brings to the union. This value translates into her ‘’authority’’ in the marriage. It’s a fraud because outsiders think differently as they believe they have the perfect marriage.

4. It is the thing, the absence of which means ‘’virtual death’’

5. The force which can make you lay down your life for your partner.

So with all these views and opinions on love, is there such a thing as LOVE? I will not even bother to look up the definition of love in a dictionary since I know it may be yet another definition. In the context of this article, I will ask myself the question; what do I understand to be love?

I believe there is love. I believe that like any human concept, it is not categorical, it is a continuum. It is an emotion that is about how much and how deep a person feels. In other words, it is both quantitative and qualitative. If it is a matter of degree, then it cannot be unconditional. As a matter of fact, I don’t believe there is such a thing as unconditional romantic love. The only unconditional love I accept is that between a parent and a child and to some extent among siblings and other close relatives. The scriptures don’t support the concept of unconditional. The object of love God created for Adam was from God’s own observation that it was not good that man should be alone and that he had to make a help mate for him¹. There was a reason for creating the object of love; to become the help mate for man. That is God’s view. When He brought the woman to man, Adam made reference only to her physical appearance and make up, ‘’ now you bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman because she was made out of man²’’. He took her because she was made out of him, no reference to the intelligent purpose of God, the help mate for him. Adam made an emotional statement. God made a rational, intelligent statement.

So what is love? My personal observation tells me that for love to be sustainable, it must necessarily have two independent but synergistic components. One emotional, the other rational. How much and how deep, I believe depends on the relative proportions and interplay of these two components.

The emotional component; this stems largely from external appearance or mannerisms. It is closely associated with sexual desire and is usually superficial. How many times, have you seen someone that you immediately feel is very pretty or handsome and a good candidate for partnership only to realize after a background check that he/she is not your type and yet you still want to have a short ‘’casual relationship’’ with the person? Usually, if not always, to satisfy your sexual desires. I have heard this from a few friends, mainly males but also some females. This component is however very important, since it is the initial spark and force of attraction.

On its own, it doesn’t last but without it a relationship may not even start. It is not self sustaining. It is like building a house on sand; it has no roots or foundation and is based largely on appearance. It happens very fast but crumbles when the storms of life arrive. It is the irrational aspect of love.  It is irrational but not unconditional. Adam was heavy on this. No wonder when they sinned, he quickly blamed God that the woman He gave to him caused him to sin³. Very superficial indeed.

The rational component; this stems largely from intelligent consideration of the qualities, background and personality of the individual. It requires a background check and a certain alignment of strengths and weaknesses, pros and cons before arriving at a decision. The onset is slow and it generally lasts longer. It is self sustaining. It is based on tangible reasons. It has roots and is like building a house on a strong foundation. The storms of life come and the house doesn’t crumble.

It is the type which is based on what role you think the other person can play in your life to help you achieve the task that you believe God has placed before you. I think that is God’s view; to get a help mate for you. God never gave any other reason for creating Adam’s object of love.

The synergy deals with the interplay and somehow inter-reliance of these two components on each other to achieve a more profound effect than the sum of them acting independently. When Adam made those remarks, God didn’t stop or even correct him. God knew that physical admiration was important. He knew that, the plan to get a help mate for Adam would only kick off if he would accept the physical presence. He knew He had created man not only to be intelligent but also appreciative.

The above analogy is similar to what Apostle Paul said in his epistle to the Corinthians, that he plants and Apollo waters and God gives the increase⁴. The seed sown is like the emotional, first attraction component, the watering is the sustaining power of the rational component and the effect of the two is the increase which is supposed to come from God. There is always increase when we do things according to the will of God. ‘’When we walk with the Lord, in the light of His word, what glory He sheds on our way……’’ I am yet to see a genuinely successful couple without these two factors being instrumental in their love affair.

God in His infinite wisdom always leaves a witness or a model about His intentions and purposes for mankind among lower animals and other creatures. Such a model is what we learned in secondary school biology as symbiosis, a relationship of mutual benefit. It is a permanent relationship of sustainable love through mutual benefit. This is what human beings need to emulate. It is very much like what King Solomon said ‘’ thou sluggard, go to the ant, consider her ways and be wise⁵’’. There is a lot we can learn from the behaviours of lower animals and other creatures. This is God making Himself manifest through His creation⁶. Brothers and sisters, if this is the design of God, we better stick to it.

In conclusion, I submit that there is love but a flourishing love must have a seed (emotional component) and ‘watering’, (a sustaining rational component). The two acting synergistically will bring abundant increase.

Thank you.