Afrikan Goddess (AG) Online

By AG Investigative Staff (Published: January 11, 2010)

Relationships have always been about give and take – you bring something, I bring something. Of course, relationships that are tilted in a single direction, before long, breeds friction and strive. No one wants to be the only one doing all the giving all the time; it’s basic human nature.

In days past, when roles were clearly defined by gender, women and men knew what was expected of them and they complied without hesitation - the man brought his promises of protection, ability to work and provide for a family, plus his manhood. Women on the other hand brought their upbringing, housekeeping skills, and propensity for hard work and obedience, plus her womanhood.

Today, with the fusion of global culture and traditional culture, these lines have been blurred to such an extent that bringing ones traditional values into a relationship expecting to be happy and fulfilled no longer holds water. To have a successful relationship, women (and men) need to know what they are bringing into the relationship, and what they expect to receive in return. Unfortunately, many African women are still struggling to define exactly what that is, and as such have an even harder time voicing ‘realistically’ what they expect to receive in return.

In order to know what you bring to the table, you must, first, know what qualities you possess, and the value of those qualities. You must also know yourself and know what you want out of life and out of a relationship. Women who claim to know their worth and what they bring to the table find out that they do not know how to verbally articulate that worth into realism and end up making bad choices, and having unrealistic “must-haves” as a result. Many settle for less than what they hope to receive in hopes that with time, their partner will catch up to their expectations. While many women have no problem voicing what they expect from a man when it comes to relationships, not too many are able to articulate what they will bring to the table in return.    

Alimatu is a single graduate student from Ivory Coast. She wants a man who will take care of her needs and be there for her whenever she needs him. But, when asked what she will give in return, she was not quite sure what AG meant. When probed further: “you want a man who will take care of your needs and be there whenever you need him. What if he asked you: “what can he expect from you in return?” Still, a blank stare, followed by: “whatever he wants me to do for him!” That, of course was the wrong answer; and such a lie.

Surprisingly, AG increasingly found out that Alimatu was not alone in her confusion of what she will bring to the table in a relationship. Because she has not properly assessed her qualities and what she could potentially offer a man, she has overpriced her ideal man, instead of trying to measure up.

Mavis, a single professional from Ghana, had a long list of ‘must-haves” she looks for in a man and did not hesitate to go down the list in confidence. Yet, when the question “what will you bring to the table?” was posed, she wasn’t so confident anymore. Apart from listing her physical attributes and the fact that she’s educated, she pretty much had nothing else to offer. Because Mavis has made a one-sided list of must-haves, she found it difficult to answer the question. What she should have done was put her must-haves side-by-side to match the must-haves she seeks in her ideal man, and see if she measures up, falls short, or exceeds expectations. Then adjust her list so she has “cut her coat according to her size.”

Omotola, a resident oncologist, has been in a three year relationship with her longtime friend whom she has known since their days growing up in Nigeria. She thinks the confusion experienced by many African women in answering the question “what will you bring to the table” comes from the fact that their roles in relationships have already been defined for them by society and culture; such that they assume, even with all their talk of modernization, that they naturally will be expected to bring something cultural to the table – cooking skills, housekeeping skills, social skills and more – even though many are trying to steer from identifying with these roles.

Kenyatta, an African American of Kenyan heritage, is a successful attorney in Maryland who thinks she has a lot to bring to a relationship. In her words, she is smart, successful, beautiful, hardworking and supportive. While many of these attributes serve her well in the workplace and in her career growth, the question remains: how these qualities will benefit a man in a relationship with her. Because Kenyatta is hard-working, this attribute will serve a man well because he will never be left to carry the financial burden alone. Because Kenyatta is supportive, any man can count on her for support. Her career success and intelligence mean she can stand on her own two feet and hold her own when he is down.

Many times women simply throw their attributes out there without any feasible way to translate those attributes into being a benefit in a relationship. As previously pointed out, in order to know what you bring to the table, you must, first of all, know what qualities you possess, and then know what those qualities are worth to your partner. You must also know what you want out of life and out of a relationship, and be sure that you have an equal amount to give. Most of all, you must know how to verbally articulate that worth into something “real”.

As we move into the New Year 2010, this message is to those seeking to tip the scales in their favor when it comes to securing and maintaining fulfilling relationships. Yes you are beautiful, and any man would be lucky to have you. Yes, you are intelligent, and any man would be lucky to have you. Yes you are caring, and any man would be more than lucky to have you. But, what do these attributes translate into in a relationship? Make an assessment of your qualities, weigh them against the qualities you are seeking in a man and see how they measure up.

If you have any ideas on what you think you bring to the table in a relationship, you may feel free to share your views below.