Written By: J. Nana Adwoa Banuaku
Some people can really be a drag! The way they complain and feel sorry for themselves, it can become such an unattractive trait in a woman who has so much going for her and doesn’t even know it. Or who – like my friend Amanda - knows it, but just seems to take pleasure in pinpointing her weaknesses and inadequacies. Have you ever had a conversation with a friend that left you feeling drained of emotion? You are happy before she calls, but right after you hang up the phone, you wish you had just screened your calls?
Well, I recently had one such conversation with a friend whom I’m very much aware is a whiner. I was not going to pick up the call, but my husband was in the next room and he answered the phone before I could motion to him that I was “not home.” Yes, I know that’s cold, but some people just bring you nothing but grief. She’s my friend and I love her. But, she has ceased to be one of the few people in my life who bring cheer to my day and a ray of sunshine after the rain storm. I shot my husband a look of disapproval as he handed me the phone, shrugged and mumbled something I couldn’t quite make out.
As it turns out, Amanda had called me to lament – yet again - about the fact that Mother’s Day was fast approaching, and she was still unmarried, childless and sad. “When am I also going to get to hold my own baby and have it look up to me and call me mommy? I don’t see why he’s wasting my time! I’m not getting any younger! If he doesn’t want to marry me, he should just let me know so I can find someone else oooo.” The ‘he’ Amanda was referring to is her boyfriend, Joojo. The two have been dating for three years.
Amanda is the senior project manager for an IT firm in one of the major bustling cities on the West Coast of the United States. She has a man who loves and adores her, and who wants to marry her, but just feels the timing isn’t right. She has an enviable education from one of the country’s most prestigious universities. She is beautiful and smart, and has the keys to her own home in an exclusive part of the city, and her very own luxury car. And she is only 28 years-old! All this she can’t seem to appreciate because she does not have a husband and a child. I could possibly understand her if she did not have a boyfriend and was panicking – but that isn’t even the case. Amanda’s problem is that most of her friends, with whom she graduated high school (including myself), are now married and many have started families, and she’s feeling left behind. I wish she could call all these women and ask them how fulfilled they feel after getting the husband and baby. Many wish they were in Amanda’s shoes, reliving a life of freedom and success. People make themselves unnecessarily unhappy by wishing they could live someone else’s life. By doing that, we are in turn telling God that he is missing the point. That he has made a mistake with us, and that he has no idea what he is doing with our lives. At 28, Amanda has her whole life ahead of her, and yet she does not appreciate the uninhibited moments she has to spend with the man who loves her and wants to marry her – just not now.
We are assured in Ecclesiastes 3:1 that “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven.” I have had the misfortune of being the “go to with your relationship problems” among my group of friends. So, I also have had the misfortune of hearing some rather disheartening stories. Like Alberta, my girlfriend trapped in a very unhappy marriage with her husband Selasie. The two live in London with their two young daughters. Alberta married Selasie only a year after knowing him, because she was pushing thirty, and, according to her timetable and plan, time was not on her side. She did not take the time to seek God’s direction and to study the man she would commit the rest of her live to. She has contemplated divorce several times, but does not want to be 33 and divorced, with children.
So, after giving Amanda one of my sisterly “don’t you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made?” talks, and pointing to Alberta as an example: “Is that how you want your life to turn out? Wouldn’t you rather wait for God’s perfect timing instead, and be happy for the rest of your life? Give Joojo some breathing space! Aaba! He says you’re the one. He just needs time to put a few things in place before starting a family. Why are you so impatient? If God wants you to have a baby at 35, trust me, you will have a baby at 35 and there is no doctor on this earth that can tell you otherwise! When the timing is right, it’s just perfect!” I asked her to go see her man and enjoy the uninhibited moments they share now, for those are the moments she will cherish the rest of her life.
Until women like Amanda realize that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, different and set apart from everyone else, they, like her, will continue to be unhappy successful women whose friends are running away from them because they don’t want to be dragged down by pessimistic attitudes and constant complaining. Even God gets tired of hearing complaints all the time, how much more us, mere mortals?!
